Deadspin watched the NFL Draft so you didn't have to

Welcome to the Deadspin 2023 NFL Draft tracker. If you love the NFL, but hate sitting through the NFL Draft, you’ve come to the right place. Maybe you’re out playing pickleball, or you can’t stand Roger Goodell, or the annual traditions of super-cringey interviews with players and family put you off. Either way, we’ll be here tracking both the picks and the drama all throughout Round 1. Make sure to check back! Updates (latest at top): Thanks to Tweeter @ShawnRobertsKC, the cover band has been identified. Kansas City has officially ruined “Fight for Your Right to Party.” CRINGE. Goodell loves all the players so much on Draft Night. Not so much later. “This city of Kansas City.” Have we ever seen a shirtless pic in a video package before? Jerry Jones’ lair is straight up the Simpsons’ take on Republican National Headquarters. He’s a 10, but he doesn’t have long arms. Drink every time someone brings up adversity. No pressure at all in being compared to Tyreek Hill on the night of the draft. Enough about long arms. My God. Goodell trying not to terrify the children. Is that a cover band? It sounds like a cassette tape that’s been left in the sun. Never attend the draft in person, kids. You run the risk of being THAT guy, like Will Levis tonight and Aaron Rodgers before him. Tampa doesn’t need a QB anyway. They have Baker Mayfield. Damn all of you who gave Will Levis false hope. Commanders’ colors made the entire stage look like candy corn. Gross. NFL using the Jonas Brothers to try to court the kids. Kids today only listen to the music on Tik Toks! Goodell trying to display human emotions is even more awkward than usual. Jets fans must be brimming with confidence. Like when one guy in your draft takes aaaaall his allotted time to make a pick. In the 10th round. The pressure of trying to make sure Aaron Rodgers likes your draft pick. Maybe we don’t have to make visibly disappointed sounds about draftees. Begging someone to write a new song about Alabama Did we just imagine that terrifying mural in the Lions’ draft room? Imagine spending money to travel to the draft because you’re a diehard Titans fan So many white suits. The sincerity and earnestness of the draftees is just precious. We ride at dawn if anyone harms any of them. Nothing reminds you that these are still kids in giant adult bodies like seeing the fit of some of these suits. The trope of NFL teams and draft picks at romantic dinners continues to be unnecessary. Travis Kelce loses points for bringing up Fight For Your Right to Party again. Kristen Schaal and Eric Stonestreet get points for not being Paul Rudd, Jon Hamm. or Jason Sudeikis, the standard KC celebs. Now it’s time for the annual booing of the Commissioner. Majestic. We start out with a cringey video package featuring Brian Baumgartner — who we love — and Rob Riggle, who loses points for too many bad NFL on FOX sketches, but wins back points for letting Dwight steer the boat. Honestly didn’t think it was part of the festivities at first. Seemed more like a PointsBet commercial. 1. [object Object] – Bryce Young source: Getty Images QB – Alabama This one was a no-brainer. 2. Houston Texans – CJ Stroud source: Getty Images QB— Ohio State. Eric Blum thinks the Panthers should have taken Stroud. 3. Houston Texans (again!) – Will Anderson Jr. source: Getty Images Houston trades up to get LB Will Anderson Jr. – Alabama. 4. [object Object] – Anthony Richardson source: Getty Images QB- Florida Sorry to all the Redditor Will Levis fans. 5. [object Object] -Devon Witherspoon source: Getty Images CB – Illinois 6. Arizona Cardinals (trade up) – Paris Johnson Jr. source: Getty Images From Detroit. OT – Ohio State 7. [object Object] – Tyree Wilson source: Getty Images DE – Texas Tech 8. [object Object] – Bijan Robinson source: Getty Images RB- Texas. 9. Philadelphia Eagles (traded up) – Jalen Carter source: Getty Images DT – Georgia “Complicated” is doing a lot of work for the ESPN crew tonight. 10. [object Object] – Darnell Wright source: Getty Images OT – Tennessee We love to see it. 11. [object Object] – Peter Skoronski source: Getty Images G – Northwestern 12. [object Object] -Jahmyr Gibbs source: Getty Images RB – Alabama THAT felt like a surprise. 13. Green Bay – Lukas Van Ness source: Getty Images Edge rusher – Iowa This is the pick Green Bay got in exchange for Aaron Rodgers. 14. Pittsburgh Steelers – Broderick Jones source: Getty Images OT – Georgia 15. [object Object] – Will McDonald IV source: Getty Images LB – Iowa State 16. [object Object] – Emmanual Forbes source: Getty Images CB – Mississippi State 17. [object Object] – Christian Gonzalez source: Getty Images CB – Oregon 18. Detroit Lions – Jack Campbell source: Getty Images LB – Iowa 19. [object Object] – Calijah Kancey source: Getty Images DT – Pittsburgh 20. Seattle Seahawks – Jaxon Smith- Njigba source: Getty Images WR – Ohio State 21. [object Object] – Quentin Johnston source: Getty Images WR – TCU 22. [object Object] – Zay Flowers source: Getty Images After locking up Lamar, the Ravens get him some help by drafting WR Zay Flowers out of Boston College. Lamar liked it: 23. [object Object] – Jordan Addison source: Getty Images WR – USC 24. [object Object] (traded up) – Deonte Banks source: Getty Images DB – Maryland Giants move up one spot to draft DB Deonte Banks and shore up their secondary. 25. [object Object] (traded up) – Dalton Kincaid source: Getty Images TE – Utah 26. [object Object] – Mazi Smith source: Getty Images DT – Michigan 27. Jacksonville Jaguars – Anton Harrison source: Getty Images OT – Oklahoma Jacksonville moved back twice in the course of the first round, getting some solid protection for Trevor Lawrence. 28. [object Object] – Myles Murphy source: Getty Images DE – Clemson 29. [object Object] – Bryan Bresee source: Getty Images DT – Clemson That’s the face of a man who is thrilled that the ESPN crew talked about his past kidney infection on his big night. 30. Philadelphia Eagles – Nolan Smith source: Getty Images LB – Georgia The Eagles keep getting scarier. 31. [object Object] – Felix Anudike-Uzomah source: Getty Images DE – Kansas State Why are watching KC fans sing along to a cover band? Ugh.

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